Gabriella Marie & Sonja Frances

Lake of the Woods Summer 09

2009-08-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

The Patch

2009-05-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

Gold to Pink

2009-05-26T23:20:00.001-07:00

They Grow

2009-02-20T00:25:00.000-08:00

A Handful of Videos

2009-01-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas Letter

2008-12-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve

A front has moved in this evening ... bringing the winds. I sit and listen to the sylphic flows, harbingers of increased light and warmth. The vociferous cedar loudly goes about it's work, relieving internal pressures in the process. The snow and ice, having been staged over the past couple of weeks, drips away.

My thoughts are drawn to those who may or may not read this Christmas note, family and friends, and I am once again struck by the weight and depth of our connectedness. In earlier times, that feeling was reinforced, indeed built up, by the force of tradition and the simple fact that most people lived near each other. An easier distance to close it seems.

Now ... it requires such massive amounts of energy and fuel, steel and concrete and microprocessors to physically bridge that distance ... and after all of that "technological enhancement" ... I still do not often find that connection. That openness in which I am willing to simply be in the presence of another ... Unguarded.

Somehow, I wonder ... can I travel that distance? can I re-connect in another manner? One that has more to do with the beginning and end of a wave and how the beginning is the end ... and how that wave is informed by a multitude of other waves ... each one in-forming the other ... stretching outward to the distant horizon and inward to the immediate heart.

My thoughts are drawn to the concept of distance ... in light of the beautiful child Phoebe, a year younger than Gabby and a part of the Island community. She was operated on recently to have a brain tumor removed ... where did she go during that 10 hour long surgery? She is recovering now from the treatment as well as the disease... and so many threads of thought and feeling are being directed to her by many people, wishing her well from distant places. Are those threads received ... and woven?

My thoughts and feelings are drawn to that seemingly rigid and intractable edge ...

in the light of Aunt Sue.

I wish you safe passage. I do not believe in darkness.

I offer these thoughts and this Christmas eve Soundscape to my friends and family this Christmas season. I wish to be more grateful now and in the future.

Thankyou

Merry Christmas ... Happy Holidays

Love Nick, Franny, Sonja, and Gabriella

Song for the Fourth

2008-07-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a song I put together which includes some audio from our local fireworks show down at the Scatchet Head beach. It is a long ambient type piece that I mostly performed live in our yard recording the audio with my field recorder. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but if you can make it through to the last couple of minutes it ends with a really nice acoustic reverie.

In my mind it tells a story.

Link here:
End of an Era (Independence Day?)

Sonja's Day

2008-07-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

Garden Time

2008-07-13T21:06:00.001-07:00

Gabby's First Harvest

2008-07-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

Audio Tour

2008-07-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

i.Union Terminal - talking along the dome

ii-iii-iv.Various parts of the Union Terminal Museum Center.

v.Wind and a beer bottle at the beach near my house

vi-vii-viii.Lopez Island - S&S Homestead Farms. A Biodynamic farm were I did a three day workshop. The first thing we witnessed was the slaughtering of 4 cows. They had some sense of what was happening for sure.

ix-x. Orcas Island - Doe Bay ..... the last one is a beautiful conversation between three birds. If anybody(Brian) is familiar with the call I would love to know the bird species.

I will post photos soon.

I hope everyone is well.

Family

2008-04-13T21:15:00.001-07:00

The Weather is turning.... and we have been outside much more lately. Listen and Imagine.

-------------Bed Time-------------

2008-02-28T23:10:00.001-08:00

A Beautiful Weekend

2008-02-18T21:49:00.000-08:00

a weekend of sun, with cold and clear nights finally allowed us to spend an extended period outdoors. This was Sonja's first time outside, free to crawl wherever.... mainly she sat in one spot and tried to eat grass and twigs. Gabriella helped in the garden with mommy. I worked on the trellis under the front deck....

Some Winter Shots

2008-02-16T22:29:00.001-08:00

Music I've Been Working On

2008-01-17T12:45:00.001-08:00

I have been working on getting some songs together, "Winter Sun" is not perfect by any means, there are some flubs and tempo variations but overall it is passable.

The next one, "Winter Sun Melting" is a quick "remix" of the first piece. It is in the ambient/drone vein, and was created using only samples from "Winter Sun".

Enjoy

Sisters

2008-01-17T12:41:00.000-08:00

Bath Time

2007-11-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

It's Been A While.....

2007-11-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a Smattering of Photos over the last month. I hope everyone is well

Moment of Silence

2007-09-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

In Honor of those who are standing up in Burma

"Silence has many dimensions. It can be a regression and an escape, a loss of self, or it can be a presence, awareness, unification, self-discovery. Negative silence blurs and confuses our identity, and we lapse into daydreams or diffuse anxieties. Positive silence pulls us together and makes us realize who we are, who we might be, and the distance between these two. . . . In the Long run, the discipline of creative silence demands a certain kind of faith. For when we come face to face with ourselves in the lonely ground of our own being, we confront many questions about the value of our existence, the reality of our commitments, the authenticity of our everyday lives.
When we are constantly in movement, always busy meeting the demands of our social role, passively carried along on the stream of talk in which people mill around from morning to night, we are perhaps able to escape from our deeper self and from the questions it poses. We can be more or less content with external identity, the social self, which is produced by our interaction with others in the wheeling and dealing of everyday life. But no matter how honest and open we may be in our relations with others, this social self implies a necessary element of artifice. It is always to some extent a mask. It has to be. . . . Do we ever give ourselves a chance to recognize something deeper? Can we face the fact that we are perhaps not interested in all this talk and business? When we are quiet, not just for a few minutes, but for an hour or several hours, we may become uneasily aware of the presence within us of a disturbing stranger, the self that is both "I" and someone else. The self that is not entirely welcome in his own house because he is so different from the everyday character that we have constructed out of our dealings with others - and our infidelities in ourselves.
There is a silent self within us whose presence is disturbing precisely because it is so silent: it can't be spoken. It has to remain silent. To articulate it, to verbalize it, is to tamper with it, and in some ways destroy it.
Now let us frankly face the fact that our culture is one which is geared in many ways to help us evade any need to face this inner, silent self. We live in a state of constant semi-attention to the sound of voices, music, traffic, or the generalized noise of what goes on around us all the time. This keeps us immersed in a flood of racket and words, a diffuse medium in which our consciousness is half diluted: we are not quite "thinking," not entirely responding, but we are more or less there. We are not fully present and not entirely absent; not fully withdrawn, yet not completely available. It cannot be said that we are really participating in anything and we may, in fact, be half conscious of our alienation and resentment. Yet we derive a certain comfort from the vague sense that we are "part of" something, although we are not quite able to define what that something is - and probably wouldn't want to define it even if we could. We just float along in the general noise. Resigned and indifferent, we share semiconsciously in the mindless mind of Muzak and radio commercials which passes for "reality."
Of course this is not enough to keep us completely forgetful of the unwelcome self that remains so largely unconscious. The disquieting presence of our deep self keeps forcing its way almost to the surface of awareness. To exorcise this presence we need a more definite stimulation, a distraction, a drink, a drug, a gimmick, a game, a routine of acting out our sense of alienation and trouble. Then it goes away for the time being and we forget who we are.
All of this can be described as "noise," as commotion and jamming which drown out the deep, secret, and insistent demands of the inner self.
With this inner self we have to come to terms in silence. That is the reason for choosing silence. In silence we face and admit the gap between the depths of our being, which we consistently ignore, and the surface which is untrue to our own reality. We recognize the need to be at home with ourselves in order that we may go out to meet others, not just with a mask of affability, but with real commitment and authentic love.
If we are afraid of being alone, afraid of silence, it is perhaps because of our secret despair of inner reconciliation. If we have no hope of being at peace with ourselves in our own personal loneliness and silence, we will never be able to face ourselves at all: we will keep running and never stop."

Thomas Merton - "Love and Living" pg. 39-41

Our lives pass by very fast indeed.

I wish you all well being.

Dad's Vacation

2007-09-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

Well folks, I finally got a railing up. Not quite finished, I needed one more day to finish (except for the cable which I have yet to order) but the rains have come so I will hopefully fit it in sometime soon. And, much to Franny's suprise, we have a swing set and a rudimentary playhouse. We will be adding onto it as time goes by. Had some friends over for a work day and got it up in a day. Gabby was immensely pleased.

Camping with Dad

2007-09-16T14:35:00.001-07:00

Sleep Baby Sleep (Thankyou Jesus)

2007-08-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

Sonja-cam

2007-08-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

Baa Baa Black Sheep

2007-08-26T15:02:00.001-07:00

A budding Star.

Listen to G-Marie's new hit single Here

A Handful for Sure

2007-08-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

At the Fair

2007-08-25T14:00:00.001-07:00

Grammy's visit coincided with the Island County Fair. It started with a parade in the morning and ended with the "veggie creatures". In between there was a pony ride, huge beef cows, an escaped bunny into the middle of the pony show, fair food, fair music, oh, can't forget the petting zoo.

Ya'll Come Back Now.

Grandma Barb's Visit

2007-08-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

See some great photos taken by grandma here

She was such a great help to us. I am glad she could enjoy the arrival of Sonja with us. Just wish All our family were close by. We are only now finding out what it means to have another child. Wonderful but often exhausting. Looking forward to Grammy in the coming week.

Naked & Awake

2007-07-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

All is Well

2007-07-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Daddy's other babies

2007-07-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

Daddy, Mommy, Gabby, Sonja, Sebzi, Mouse, Gibson & Breedlove ... Our family.

See any Resemblance?

2007-07-18T13:26:00.001-07:00

Sorry Meghan and Brian, I couldn't resist.

Who's Who?

2007-07-17T12:04:00.005-07:00

Song For Sonja

2007-07-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

Its official our daughter is now Sonja Frances. I have written a song for her you can find at my music blog here:

http://mog.com/Dzendvokh

mog.com

More about this song

Day 2

2007-07-15T10:47:00.001-07:00

Our Beautiful Daughter and Lil Sis Entered the World Today

2007-07-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Well I guess I have to reconfigure this blog since now I am accountable for two!

We had a baby daughter born (no name as of yet, we'll let her presence sink in first) this morning around 5 am. She is very healthy and beautiful. Gabby and Grandma were in attendance as well as our midwife Cynthia and her assistant Jennifer. Daddy caught her and cut the cord. Gabby received her very own baby to take care of just like her mommy. Enjoy the photos and video, more sure to come.

Big Sister

2007-06-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Grammy's Visit

2007-06-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

Girls will be Girls

2007-06-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

A nice Saturday kabob grill with pita bread baked on the fire . . . hey, how'd those girls get up in that tree?

Santa's Present

2007-01-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas photos

2007-01-16T19:04:00.000-08:00

See What I Mean!

2006-12-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

2 Years Old!!!!!

2006-12-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

We had Gabby's b-day party on the eve of the big wind storm. It started out calm but really got rarin when Nana and Papa's "go go ladybug" was opened, and then to top it off was Grammy's chest chock full of crazy clothes. It is not an uncommon sight around these parts now, to see a little bejeweled, fire fighting, swinger with a magic wand riding a super slick lady bug.

We wish everyone a wonderful holidays.

Modeling B-Day Clothes

2006-12-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks Grandma

Winter Storm

2006-12-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

We had a winter storm last week that was quite unusual for the pacific Northwest and it came at the end of the wettest month on record. It snowed 3-4 inches and stuck around for about 4 days, and dropped to the teens. Hardly a "killer" for those of you back East but quite a surprise for us seeing as we are so close to the water. Usually when it snows here it is gone in a day, but this time we got a real dense snow which melted a bit and turned to ice. Power was out for a while, and Langley was even out for a couple of days. The firs and cedars were transformed, their limbs bowed a little more than usual like graceful giants. Almost like they were reveling in their new white coats. For a week or so before this, Gabriella had been talking a lot about snowmen. We have some mugs that picture a snowman with a carrot nose so she added "snowman" to her vocabulary (which has been expanding exponentially) and then on a trip to Clinton I bought her a little homemade snowman, with a carrot nose of course, from the thrift store. Thinking that there was not much chance of snow coming anytime soon. What do you know, the next day it snowed and it was perfect for snowmen. She helped make one and got to put the carrot nose in herself. Unfortunately I only got a couple of pictures outside before my camera's memory stick crapped out.

Best Wishes to All

Ebey's Landing

2006-11-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

Fall Colors

2006-11-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

Well, fall/winter has begun in earnest here. Rain, wind, and more rain and wind. But our front garden that we have worked on has turned out to be something of a winter garden with nice textures and colors. Best wishes to all, where ever you may be.

Nisqually Wildlife Refuge

2006-10-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

Helping mom prepare the winter Garden

2006-10-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

B-Day At Devon's

2006-10-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

A Quiet Saturday Morning Walk on The Beach

2006-10-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Deception Pass, Whidbey Island

2006-09-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

A misty morning hike, we found ourselves enchanted by starfish, herons, and a small funny looking houseboat where Mr.Seal hangs out smoking his evening pipe.

Lake of the Woods - 2006

2006-08-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Mommy and Me camping trip - Hurricane Ridge

2006-07-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

In the garden

2006-05-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers Day

2006-05-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

We had a great day on the beach.

Watching the eagles

Making dams and rivers, towers and islands. Then launching boats down the stream.

Bamboo Gardens of Washington

2006-05-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

Cascade Moonrise

2006-04-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

Daddy took me out this morning to see a beautiful sliver of the moon rising over the Eastern mountains. Just to the left and above, the morning star, Venus, graces her ascent.

Happy Easter Everyone

2006-04-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

With Great Gobs of Gabby Love

Mommy and Daddy's Garden

2006-03-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

Grammy's Visit

2006-03-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

My butt is Soooooooooooooooooooooo cute!!!!

That's some good milk, ya know what I'm sayin?

Oh yeah!!!

2006-02-08T22:02:00.000-08:00

One of these days these Robbiez are gonna walk all over you...

The windstorm of aught 6

2006-02-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

Trees down everywhere, our power was out for 2 days.

Of course I helped with the clean up

Our Kitty Sebzi

2006-02-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

Gabby and Sebzi are best buds. Gabby loves to play with sebzi, and even if she gets a little too rough sebzi does not seem to mind. Here they are sleeping and snuggling.

Happy New Year

2006-01-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

To all family and friends, those who bless us with your presence and those who bless us with your thoughts. We thank you and wish you a New Year as full of life as you can bear.

Our trip to Cincy was full, as was expected . . . three more Christmas celebrations, a walk in Spring Grove, a Kenney family singalong, relatives not seen for a while, christmas carols in Kay's smoke filled nursing home, Lisa's installation: the involving result of many hours of thought, feeling, and well informed hands, many good meals, skyline, grammy's fireplace, sleeping on the third floor, large televisions displaying men with balls that bounce and fly, unseasonably warm weather including thunderstorms, old friends with new babes, the sense of having been there as we drive through familiar neighborhoods, colds, many welcoming arms for Gabby, tiring plane flights, expansive snow covered mountain tops upon return.

The clear bead at the center changes everything
There are no edges to my loving now.

I've heard it said there's a window that opens
from one mind to another,

but if there's no wall, there's no need
for fitting the window, or the latch.

Rumi

Morningfull

2006-01-06T18:13:00.000-08:00

Awake in the morning before mom wants to be.

One Year Old!!!!

2005-12-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

Yeah yeah that's great mom Pots de Creme, but really what's all this stuff over there

Hmmm, I'm not so sure.....

Oh,say,can you see ...

Wow, a cool punk rock dolly with really long arms, made with love by mommy

Mom's third leg

2005-12-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

Gosh mom, dishes again.

Let the rhythm hit'em

2005-12-02T23:04:00.000-08:00

Betty throws a Bash

2005-12-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

Nati Represent: Sam and Matt

We're gettin sooooo big.....

Let them eat cake..... for the first but certainly not the last time

Say What?

2005-11-29T19:09:00.000-08:00

Gabminster Fuller's Quote of the Day:

"Reviewing the history of self-discoveries of restraints progressively and mutually interimposed upon one another by the arrival of and association with successive othernesses, self may discover through progressive retrospections and appreciate the significance of theretofore unrecognized and unrealized degrees of cosmic freedom successively and inadvertantly deducted from the original total inventory of unexpended self-potentials with which the individual is initially, always and only, endowed. Only with the progressive retrospection inventoryings induced only by otherness-developed experience of awareness does the loss of another degree of freedom become consciously subtracted from the previous experience inventory of now consciously multiplying memorable events." Synergetics 411.10 Unpredicted Degrees of Freedom

Classic Gabby face

2005-11-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

Humpty Dumpty

2005-11-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

`Don't stand chattering to yourself like that,' Humpty Dumpty said, looking at her for the first time, `but tell me your name and your business.'

`My name is Alice, but --'

`It's a stupid name enough!' Humpty Dumpty interrupted impatiently. `What does it mean?'

`Must a name mean something?' Alice asked doubtfully.

`Of course it must,' Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh: `my name means the shape I am -- and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.'

Lewis Carrol-Through the Looking Glass

Great Grandma Shipley made this humpty dumpty for my daddy when he was my age, as she did also for my Grammy Sandy, who says she used to squeeze onto him when she had a stomach ache. I visit Humpty on the changing table, (it helps me get through such an icky time), I like to hug and kiss humpty and I wave "by by" to him when I go.

Scrambled Eggs for thoughts? :

The question Humpty Dumpty is posing to himself up there on that wall is rather "To Be or not to Be?" For such is the condition we sometimes find ourselves in. If I fall off the sharp razor of either/or, I will crack, and my so called "King" will not be able to muster said resources (i.e. those "men" and those "horses") to fix "me". I believe so completely that if there is a crack in my egg-o, my world will end.

The story of my birth as recounted by Mom

2005-11-26T18:48:00.000-08:00

The Story of your Birth

We finally made it to 37 weeks gestation after 8 long weeks of bed-rest and a threatening early labor. Every day that we drew nearer to that goal, a morsel of fear left my shoulders as I knew you were just a little bit bigger and stronger, and better equipped to face this big scary world of ours.
At 27 weeks I was ‘diagnosed’ with a prematurely shortened cervix. In all likely-hood, it was probably shorter than average to begin with. Suddenly I was no longer waking at 4:30 am to commute from Whidbey Island to Capitol Hill in Seattle (working in a kindergarten), but was advised to be horizontal as much as possible. At 27 weeks you were just barely at the stage of being able to survive at all outside my womb, even with all the latest and greatest medical technologies. I tried to keep an inner calm for your sake and mine, prayed numerous times a day, and leaned heavily on your daddy, who was willing and ready to do anything we needed to help you arrive safely.
Cynthia, our midwife, was also a pillar of support for us, and I began to see her weekly. Thirty-seven weeks was the age at which we could birth you at home, but I must admit, I hardly ever thought about that. My strategy was a day at a time, and I didn’t want to build up too many expectations for your birth. Thirty-seven weeks seemed ages away.
I’ll never forget my appointment at 29 weeks. My mother was with me (she had come to help for as long as we needed her). After doing a vaginal exam to check on my cervix, Cynthia came over to my side (and there was a wildness in her eyes that she seemed to be trying to keep at bay) and told me I was one centimeter dilated and that we needed to go to the hospital. I thought ‘Oh my God you’re coming now!’ and tears instantly flooded my eyes, I was so afraid for you. I felt an instant sense of the loss of a healthy beginning for your life, and a brief panic in the pit of my stomach…but I quickly found my calm, and began to think practically. I asked Cynthia if we were going to the hospital. “Yes” she said. I asked how I would get to a neonatal intensive care unit in Seattle. “By helicopter” she answered. I laid down and tried to relax as Cynthia called the hospital and made arrangements for my arrival. My mother came and held me, and then off we went, tears still streaming down my face. I remember calling Nick on the cell phone in the car. He was in Seattle at an install, and our connection was less than good. He tried to make sense of what I was saying “Dilating, hospital, helicopter, wait for more news, stay in Seattle….” And I could only imagine how those words affected him…I knew he wished more than anything he was by our side…and was this really happening?
The next few hours thankfully brought a deflation to all the excitement, as my abdomen was monitored for contractions, and a Doppler ultrasound machine was attached to us (you poor thing!). It appeared we wouldn’t need to go anywhere as I wasn’t showing any other signs of being in labor, even though I was anywhere from a fingertip to a centimeter dilated, and 50-80% effaced. The doctor planned to do an indicator test (I forget the name), which would predict whether I was likely to go into labor in the next two weeks…and in the meantime, I would stay in the hospital, being constantly monitored.
My mother sat nervously by until your daddy came in the late afternoon to take over. No offense Grandma, but it was such a relief when Nick walked into that hospital room, I felt instantly calmer and more grounded to look into is caring eyes, and to know we were in this together, no matter what. I sang to you off and on through a voice shaky with worry, whimpering, and fatigue. The evening brought restless sleep, as I had nightmare after nightmare of your premature birth. I calmed myself somewhat by thinking of all the things I could do (singing, talking, touching) if you were indeed fated to live inside a glass dome for your first weeks of life. I mourned a possible loss of breastfeeding you, as I imagined a life of pumping and bottle feeding.
The next day, the test came back negative, and we were allowed to go home. Needless to say, I rested even more intensely than before, and resolved myself to reading on the couch for up to 8 hours a day! I lost myself in Harry Potter novels and trashy Diana Gabaldon novels ( Oh Jamie!) and took it a day at a time.
We made it to 30 weeks, and to 32 weeks, and 34 and hurray 36! (we could have you at Whidbey general) and at last 36 and 6 days. It was December 11th, and we had yet to buy any Christmas gifts, so we decided to make a special trip to Port Townsend (a favorite daytrip of ours) and try to get all our shopping done in one sweep. I quite fondly remember that day, waddling around with my big belly, tiring my legs and feet, and feeling so joyful to be nearly at 37 weeks.
The next day (December 12th) we bought our first Christmas tree (as a family), and trimmed it happily that evening. It was lovely, and I felt warm in the belly and peaceful. That evening as we sat on the couch looking at the lights and snuggled, I remember noticing a contraction (I had been having painless contractions for weeks) that had a slight twinge to it…just enough to think ‘hmm, that was interesting’. I went to bed around 10 and woke up suddenly at 12:25 with what felt like an intense gas pain. I got up to go to the bathroom, but no gas or anything else was forthcoming and the pain had already subsided. Having noticed that the pain occurred at the same time as a contraction, I had a few thoughts of beginning labor, and marked the time.
Sure enough, there were more: 12:50, 12:55, 1:15, 1:25….I arose to go to the bathroom and heard an unexpected ‘plop’. A small clot of blood had passed. ‘Bloody show?’ I wondered. Definitely time to call Cynthia, and give her the heads up that labor might be on its way (in the next day or two I thought). I paged Cynthia and then my water broke, and I knew then that I was truly in labor. On the phone, Cynthia concurred and said I should call her back when the contractions were a minute long and about five minutes apart. I went to the bathroom again, and had a very loose bowel movement (sorry for the details) which I knew was another sign of labor. Nick had by this time come round to the realization of what was going on and got up and began bustling around doing God knows what (getting everything ready) but I was already in a somewhat altered state of consciousness as I began to deal with the increasing intensity of the contractions riding through my body. I remember thinking I should do some dishes and housework, thinking that it would help keep things moving along. As soon as I got to the sink, I realized that I was pretty much incapable of doing anything but dealing with the labor pains. In fact, it was already becoming too difficult for me to keep track of the timing of my pains…it was fairly ambiguous as far as when exactly a contraction began and ended…(in hindsight, I was already getting pretty close to transition time). I remember trying to sense exactly when a contraction would begin, and I looked up and saw Nick with the camera taking a short video clip…already, he seemed to be in a different world from the one I was in, but it made me happy to see him and his excitement at the coming of our baby. At this point, the contractions were still so new to me, that I found myself feeling curious about them, and totally willing to experience them without feeling rushed.
We went downstairs, and once again I felt the need to sit on the toilet, only nothing came. but a contraction more intense than any I had felt previously. I believe I was feeling the first urge to push (even though I may not have been fully dilated then…who knows?) and all of a sudden I was hot and sweaty and moaning and working damn hard. By this time also, I was of course unable anymore to time my contractions. I believe I had handed the watch Nick a while before, but he was clearly just as incapable as me. He would notice a change in my breathing and ask me whether one was starting…I think I just said “I don’t know, probably” not even really paying attention as I was being swept away by the waves through my body.
Anyways, while I was on the toilet downstairs, I said to Nick ‘call Cynthia’. He did. When she asked him how things were going, I think he said something like “I’m pretty nervous”. She got the picture instantly from that one sentence, and zoomed over “like the wind” as she said later. Just before she arrived, I began to doubt whether I was far enough along to warrant her presence,but her arrival was more comforting than I could ever have anticipated. She could be there with me through the contractions from a place of experience, and she really helped me to focus on the work I was doing, reminding me of the whole purpose of the contractions. She stroked my back in a downward direction and told me to bring the contraction or breath down. She gave me words of encouragement (“that’s the way”) in a soothing calm voice. We moved downstairs and I quickly entered transition which seemed to be one long intense contraction that never let up. Just as I said to Cynthia in desperation “they won’t stop”, she informed me that I was probably in transition, and that it wouldn’t last long. When the one endless contraction stopped, Cynthia checked on my progress, and as expected, I was fully dilated. I began to feel the urge to push, mistaking it at first for an urge to poop. Cynthia indulged me and let me trudge to the toilet saying ‘I don’t think so’ and sure enough as soon as I sat down, I realized too that I was ready to work on pushing my baby out. So I made my way back to the bed and got down on my hands and knees. And with the next contraction, Cynthia told me to go ahead and push. In fact, it was impossible not to push, the urge simply took over my entire body, although it took a few contractions to really get the hang of it. I remember making quite a lot of noise at first, and Cynthia told me to put all that into my pushing without letting it out through my mouth. I got feedback after each contraction and my focus increased tremendously as I realized I was on the home stretch and our baby was coming. I remember being struck at how much breath the pushing took out of me. Of course you don’t breathe when your pushing, and when the contraction would end, I would gasp for air. Then I remember our doula Molly telling me to enjoy that time (in between contractions) and I can honestly say that hearing her say that really helped me to do just that. Those moments between contractions were heaven!
After a short while I could feel the bulging of your head. Cynthia asked if I wanted to touch your hair as you were beginning to crown…but I was beginning to feel that ‘ring of fire’ as my perineum stretched to its utmost and I declined. It was a great comfort to know that it would only be a few more pushes. I remember the relief as your head came out….I listened for your cry. One more push and your shoulders passed through and the rest of you slid out easily and I knew my baby was here and you cried beautifully and I knew you were healthy. Cynthia brought your sticky body into my arms and you squirmed and cried and I began to soothe you as best I could, and I greeted you face to face for the first time. You were pink as a rose and perfect in every way and I felt so proud to have given birth to you.

Some early thoughts from Dad after my birth

2005-11-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

The Week of your birth

Everything has Changed since your arrival. Not so much in the manner in which I live, although that has received something of a shock too, but the possibilities for growth in life, your life, my life, frances’ life, and our life as a family.

I cried today as you, only five days old, gazed out the window, swaddled in my arms, at the sun streaming through the mist and the trees draped in magisterial presence. You who have just emerged from the interior, where, if one can know anything about it at all, it is surely that the laws of life are different there. You, who are Emerging into a world of distance and separation, into our lives, paradoxically bringing us together. As the sun, now outside our bodies, brings us into connection with everything else, so your pulsing, beautiful form connects one more piece of this cosmic puzzle.

You came so quickly, so radically upon the scene, what preparation can anyone have for such a moment. For such a life, unclothed, precious and frail, and powerful all at once. Being now, you are nowhere else. A condensation of your spirit, a contraction in order to understand, grow and ultimately expand. A choice, for indeed you have chosen, and we have responded.

"The child before birth is in a protective envelope of water, prior
to it’s final entry into earthly activity. As though lying within a
Sphere it moulds its as yet liquid form, which gradually becomes
More condensed. On being born it leaves the spherical space of
Water and enters into a relationship with the directional forces
Of the earth. The more it yields to these forces the more its body
Becomes solidified, which is essential to standing upright and
Learning to walk." (Schwenck 24)

The movement of liquid, the vortical, spiral flows reveal to us here on earth a sense of the spiritual world from whence you came. The interpenetration of waveforms, from all directions, coalesce singularly. The waveforms from all of life, from the stars, from myself and mother, from the room you were born in and our midwife cynthia who coaxed your precious life into our hands for the first time. From your birth time and the position of the moon and sun and planets all circling your singular being, open to it all, receiving, loving.

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny:
Struggles a cell faces as it develops from a fertilized egg
To a mature organism follows many of the paths cells forged
As they evolved from a primordial cell to a human being.

In some mysterious way, we share in the life of every other living being on this planet. and When looked at closely, where in fact does life end?

And thus the mystery of you. Because after all is said and done, you are you, not any of these formative forces, not mine, or mother’s , but your own, uniquely you. It is your job to find the truth of that statement. We do not originally belong to this earth.

You look up at me with those dark pooled eyes. Your face making a myriad of expressions: a slight wrinkling of the brow, a sly grin, a big yawn, your mouth curling into a slight “o” shape … mostly you sleep with a presence which is sensible to those around you. A presence which belongs to children and toward which we, as adults, strive to return, with all the intervening baggage intact.

Mark 10:15 Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of
God as a little child will never enter it.

Dec 28 2004: Gabriella, you’ve grown a little more into your body. I see it in the way you curl up on my stomach, wedged between it and the couch, arms drawn in, hands clenched. You have almost grown out of your first outfit.

Despite this, I still have a sense of you – separate from this body which you as yet have very little control over. Your body is immature and yet you are there – or someone is there beyond this little frame which mother and I, and earth, have provided for you – someone who will assume the name Gabriella only later.

You know my voice. Sometimes you turn towards me as I speak, quietly taking in, and again I fall into those eyes.

Jan 20 2005: A month and a week – your earthly life has passed – having you here has not yet become ordinary – you are extraordinary.

Of course, with you here now, I cannot help but reflect upon myself in light of the fact that you are receiving from me. And so the tendencies that have plagued me become heightened. I want so much to be an example – yet I perceive, in some circumstances, only failure. I know with my mind that what I am talking about – i.e.”my problems or shortcomings”, from an inner standpoint, entirely cease to be in that conflicting form so fraught with unwarranted judgement. Yet that is not what I feel – and that my dear – is what it all hinges upon. My feelings are not free – I fear this is the example I am giving you.

So be it, this is earth, and we are here to learn from these conditions as they are given to us. Or from another perspective, as we have created them. You see, I take too much credit, my part in this interchange, while it may seem large from my perspective as a parent, ultimately it is your part that counts. The basis to which we come to self-knowledge and understanding is that which
Under-stands us, that is the mystery of Self. Our roots grow deeper and wider than our mother and father. The tree includes many things not much dreamt of in ordinary life.

Mar 3 2005:
With a tremendous breath, a releasing pressure, you scream. You let your life become known to your utmost. We do our best to comfort, but you are your own, fully a cry, and necessary no doubt … a sign of what? It must be the hardest thing in the world to make this little form fit.
Remember that cry, it is deep within you, it is a primary response of your life, here … Remember, it is vital.

I now have a virtual presence

2005-11-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

How I wish this virtual presence not to take the place of my REAL presence, confusing me to no end.